Vietnam

Today sucked. There is no better way for me to put it. Jacob left to go back on radio tour. I am incredibly proud of all he has accomplished and that he gets to live his dream every day. That being said, I wasn't ready for him to leave again. Radio tour is Sunday or Monday through Friday or Saturday every week. This means he will only be home for max 2 days for another month or so. This is hard to swallow when you have a 2 week old and the hormones of a 14 year old on crack. My sister sent me the greatest email to show me I'm not alone in the misery of the first two weeks, or Vietnam as she calls it. Below is her email, whether she likes it published or not. It was too perfect not to share.

"The first few weeks of being a mother.  It's full of peaceful babies sleeping soundly on your chest, trying on tiny little precious baby clothes, and precious bath times.  Well this is the lie instagram tells you.  For me, it was more like some sort of war zone where you seriously wonder how you ever thought this whole "parenting" thing was something you were equipped for.  In the middle of the second week, I remember texting several friends who had babies asking "whyyyy did you not tell me it was going to be like this?"  I was literally convinced everyone on Earth had these little angel babies and mine just hated me as a person.  My friend Kim in particular was one of the first messages.  She has twins.  2 of these things to deal with.  HOW.  No really, I want to know.  Her response was one that seemed across the board with my friends, and one that I am now the proud owner of.  You forget.  I don't know if it's some weird sort of PTSD where that part of your memory curls up in the fetal position in your brain and refuses to be touched, or if it's like Kim said, and it really is God's way of making sure you have more kids.  I'm writing this down to hope that it'll make you smile while holding your fussy little meatball and know without a doubt that the really fun stuff is lurking right around the corner.

1. You will access some freak part of your brain that allows you to be perfectly awake when you have not slept in days.  Seriously, this is a superpower or something that must have come from radioactive spider somewhere.  It's impressive.  That being said, after about the first 10 days, that wears off and you look and feel the exact amount of tired you are. 

There were days I totally forgot to brush my teeth, and times when I would get out of the shower and seriously wonder if i actually washed my hair.  I remember telling Jacob one night I was so tired I physically hurt.  I wasn't exaggerating. They literally torture people by keeping them awake for days on end, and not only are you expected to do this, you're supposed to be in charge of another life.  The good news is that as soon as the baby starts sleeping stretches of 4-5 hours, you'll feel like you got a week's worth of sleep.

2. You may not really like your baby at the beginning.  I mean, you'll love him/her and know full well you'd commit murder for them, but you may not really like them.  This is OK.  You're sleep deprived, they're crying all the time, and you haven't been puked on this much since college.  My wonderful pediatrician put it in these terms.  The first 6 weeks are the hardest because they take a lot from you, but give nothing back.  This is so true.  The baby doesn't interact, doesn't smile, and it's questionable if they can tell you from Trigger (my dog).   If you're baby is anything like mine, there will be a lot of crying, and a lot of frustration why you can't make it stop.  Remember this, babies have immature nervous systems.  If they get too stimulated, what ensues is comparable to an Irish banshee.  Just bad.  There was one day where she started crying when she woke up, and didn't stop until she went to bed.  All I could do was put her in the stroller, put on a ball cap, and walk around the neighborhood and cry too.  Good news:  this is very temporary.  It definitely doesn't feel like it at the time, but by 6 weeks the baby actually smiles aside from gas.  This is a game changer.  Side note:  I am a fan of the pacifier.  Baby is fed, changed, burped and still screaming, I had no problem plugging up that little gullet with a soothie.  Never experienced any confusion either, big girl always knew where her meal was coming from.

3.  Hormones are real and worse than you could imagine.

 I mean your crying will rival that of a 16 year old throwing a fit because she didn't get her super sweet 16 MTV promised.  I'm not a crier.  I cried a lot.  Emotional meltdown when my mom left.  Emotional meltdown when baby went on a hunger strike and decided she couldn't be bothered with the work of breastfeeding.  Emotional meltdown that I had a healthy baby and I was complaining about all of the above.  It's just really hard to manage this heightened sense of emotions.  You will start crying because you're so ready for your baby to just fall asleep already, then cry more because you realize they are only this little for a while, and you want to cherish it (but you actually hate it).  Men: beware.  You will never say anything right, and you'll think they slipped us some of what Dr. Jeckyl took while we were in the hospital .  Your job is simple.  Help as much as you can.  Never complain about being tired (this is what the guys in your office are for).  Tell us how pretty we are (covered in sweat, baby vomit, no shower for 2 days and definitely no hair brush).  Take any/all abuse we throw at you because it's just not our fault.  Good news.  About 4 weeks in you should feel that you have control over yourself again, and although you still feel a little emotional, the hurricane that just occurred has ended.  That being said, there is a real difference between baby blues and real PPD.  My doctors really glazed over this in my appointments so you have to be your own advocate.  There is NO shame in admitting you're feeling worse than you think you should.  In no way does this mean you are less of a parent.  I'm a firm believer in modern medicine (read I'll have an epidural please), so I do believe things happen at a cellular level in the brain with regards to depression.  When's the last time you controlled anything at your cellular level? Answer: never.  Sometimes things are bigger than you are and need outside help.

4.  Accepting help does not make you a bad mom.  In case you haven't noticed a theme, my recurring thought throughout the first few weeks was that certain decisions would mean I was inadequate as a parent and people would judge me for it.  I tried to do everything.  Once Jacob went back to work, I even felt guilty letting him get out of bed to change a diaper at night.  This just does not work.  If you have help available, always say yes.  ALWAYS.  I was so very lucky.  My mom and mother in law are Saint Pamela and Saint Brigette respectively.  They really got us through those first few weeks, and are still doing it.  It was hard for my type-a perfectionist self to admit I couldn't do it all, but once I just gave in and let my mom take the baby for 2 hours early in the morning so I could sleep a little longer, I felt like a weight was lifted.  Through this process you have got to take care of yourself.  I realized I couldn't be the amazing mom I wanted to be if I didn't occasionally get a good nap, or just spend some time sitting in a chair not trying to console a baby.  Happy mom really does mean happier baby.

5.  Breastfeeding is a son of a bitch.  There.  I said it.  There is no subject more polarizing and more full of judgement than this.  You will get very bad advice from both ends of the spectrum.  Some people will tell you how horrible it is and to give up quickly or not to try because it's so bad.  Others will tell you that you're literally hurting your baby by not breastfeeding until age 2.  I like to think I fall in the middle.  I think everyone should try.  Breast milk is no doubt the best thing for your baby.  That being said, if you're struggling to the point of teetering on depression, or you're baby is failing to thrive, seek help.  Talk to your pediatrician.  Call your hospital's help line.  Try the LLL.  If you just can't make it work for you, IT IS OK.  Again, (sticking with the theme here) it doesn't make you less of a mom.  Trust your instincts.  I think the stopping point is different for everyone, even baby to baby.  At 8 weeks I decided it was time to cut back in preparation for going back to work (list of reasons here but that will suffice) and in preparation for getting on a plane the next week.  We successfully cut down to just nursing at morning and night, and had absolutely no difficulty.  For me, the most content I have ever seen my child happened immediately after her first bottle with 1/2 formula.  It confirmed my decision that it was the right time.  Again, its different for everyone, but my biggest advice is don't let anyone pressure you when you feel you're doing what's best for your child.  You want to supplement in the hospital, fine.  You want to breastfeed your 4 year old on the subway?  Fine.  Lets just all stop judging and making moms feel guilt, we have plenty that comes from within.

Overall for us, the 6-8 week mark was magic.  That's when the personality really started coming out, when she started sleeping through the night, and when we finally had periods of wakefulness that didn't solely include crying. 

Some people do have a terribly easy time.  Some people have it even harder than I did.  My utmost respect goes out to those people who are doing it alone, live away from family, or have a child with special needs.  I do believe God's grace is sufficient, and that lots of prayer will absolutely get you through the roughness to the part where you begin to really enjoy the wonderful 180 your life has just done.  Upward and onward to the struggles that will begin as time goes on....daycare next week (someone put me on suicide watch), teething, potty training, and high school prom."

Thanks to my sister for keeping it real and helping me understand that it's not just me. Hopefully this makes some other people laugh and helps them to feel a little less alone during Vietnam as well.