Vietnam

Today sucked. There is no better way for me to put it. Jacob left to go back on radio tour. I am incredibly proud of all he has accomplished and that he gets to live his dream every day. That being said, I wasn't ready for him to leave again. Radio tour is Sunday or Monday through Friday or Saturday every week. This means he will only be home for max 2 days for another month or so. This is hard to swallow when you have a 2 week old and the hormones of a 14 year old on crack. My sister sent me the greatest email to show me I'm not alone in the misery of the first two weeks, or Vietnam as she calls it. Below is her email, whether she likes it published or not. It was too perfect not to share.

"The first few weeks of being a mother.  It's full of peaceful babies sleeping soundly on your chest, trying on tiny little precious baby clothes, and precious bath times.  Well this is the lie instagram tells you.  For me, it was more like some sort of war zone where you seriously wonder how you ever thought this whole "parenting" thing was something you were equipped for.  In the middle of the second week, I remember texting several friends who had babies asking "whyyyy did you not tell me it was going to be like this?"  I was literally convinced everyone on Earth had these little angel babies and mine just hated me as a person.  My friend Kim in particular was one of the first messages.  She has twins.  2 of these things to deal with.  HOW.  No really, I want to know.  Her response was one that seemed across the board with my friends, and one that I am now the proud owner of.  You forget.  I don't know if it's some weird sort of PTSD where that part of your memory curls up in the fetal position in your brain and refuses to be touched, or if it's like Kim said, and it really is God's way of making sure you have more kids.  I'm writing this down to hope that it'll make you smile while holding your fussy little meatball and know without a doubt that the really fun stuff is lurking right around the corner.

1. You will access some freak part of your brain that allows you to be perfectly awake when you have not slept in days.  Seriously, this is a superpower or something that must have come from radioactive spider somewhere.  It's impressive.  That being said, after about the first 10 days, that wears off and you look and feel the exact amount of tired you are. 

There were days I totally forgot to brush my teeth, and times when I would get out of the shower and seriously wonder if i actually washed my hair.  I remember telling Jacob one night I was so tired I physically hurt.  I wasn't exaggerating. They literally torture people by keeping them awake for days on end, and not only are you expected to do this, you're supposed to be in charge of another life.  The good news is that as soon as the baby starts sleeping stretches of 4-5 hours, you'll feel like you got a week's worth of sleep.

2. You may not really like your baby at the beginning.  I mean, you'll love him/her and know full well you'd commit murder for them, but you may not really like them.  This is OK.  You're sleep deprived, they're crying all the time, and you haven't been puked on this much since college.  My wonderful pediatrician put it in these terms.  The first 6 weeks are the hardest because they take a lot from you, but give nothing back.  This is so true.  The baby doesn't interact, doesn't smile, and it's questionable if they can tell you from Trigger (my dog).   If you're baby is anything like mine, there will be a lot of crying, and a lot of frustration why you can't make it stop.  Remember this, babies have immature nervous systems.  If they get too stimulated, what ensues is comparable to an Irish banshee.  Just bad.  There was one day where she started crying when she woke up, and didn't stop until she went to bed.  All I could do was put her in the stroller, put on a ball cap, and walk around the neighborhood and cry too.  Good news:  this is very temporary.  It definitely doesn't feel like it at the time, but by 6 weeks the baby actually smiles aside from gas.  This is a game changer.  Side note:  I am a fan of the pacifier.  Baby is fed, changed, burped and still screaming, I had no problem plugging up that little gullet with a soothie.  Never experienced any confusion either, big girl always knew where her meal was coming from.

3.  Hormones are real and worse than you could imagine.

 I mean your crying will rival that of a 16 year old throwing a fit because she didn't get her super sweet 16 MTV promised.  I'm not a crier.  I cried a lot.  Emotional meltdown when my mom left.  Emotional meltdown when baby went on a hunger strike and decided she couldn't be bothered with the work of breastfeeding.  Emotional meltdown that I had a healthy baby and I was complaining about all of the above.  It's just really hard to manage this heightened sense of emotions.  You will start crying because you're so ready for your baby to just fall asleep already, then cry more because you realize they are only this little for a while, and you want to cherish it (but you actually hate it).  Men: beware.  You will never say anything right, and you'll think they slipped us some of what Dr. Jeckyl took while we were in the hospital .  Your job is simple.  Help as much as you can.  Never complain about being tired (this is what the guys in your office are for).  Tell us how pretty we are (covered in sweat, baby vomit, no shower for 2 days and definitely no hair brush).  Take any/all abuse we throw at you because it's just not our fault.  Good news.  About 4 weeks in you should feel that you have control over yourself again, and although you still feel a little emotional, the hurricane that just occurred has ended.  That being said, there is a real difference between baby blues and real PPD.  My doctors really glazed over this in my appointments so you have to be your own advocate.  There is NO shame in admitting you're feeling worse than you think you should.  In no way does this mean you are less of a parent.  I'm a firm believer in modern medicine (read I'll have an epidural please), so I do believe things happen at a cellular level in the brain with regards to depression.  When's the last time you controlled anything at your cellular level? Answer: never.  Sometimes things are bigger than you are and need outside help.

4.  Accepting help does not make you a bad mom.  In case you haven't noticed a theme, my recurring thought throughout the first few weeks was that certain decisions would mean I was inadequate as a parent and people would judge me for it.  I tried to do everything.  Once Jacob went back to work, I even felt guilty letting him get out of bed to change a diaper at night.  This just does not work.  If you have help available, always say yes.  ALWAYS.  I was so very lucky.  My mom and mother in law are Saint Pamela and Saint Brigette respectively.  They really got us through those first few weeks, and are still doing it.  It was hard for my type-a perfectionist self to admit I couldn't do it all, but once I just gave in and let my mom take the baby for 2 hours early in the morning so I could sleep a little longer, I felt like a weight was lifted.  Through this process you have got to take care of yourself.  I realized I couldn't be the amazing mom I wanted to be if I didn't occasionally get a good nap, or just spend some time sitting in a chair not trying to console a baby.  Happy mom really does mean happier baby.

5.  Breastfeeding is a son of a bitch.  There.  I said it.  There is no subject more polarizing and more full of judgement than this.  You will get very bad advice from both ends of the spectrum.  Some people will tell you how horrible it is and to give up quickly or not to try because it's so bad.  Others will tell you that you're literally hurting your baby by not breastfeeding until age 2.  I like to think I fall in the middle.  I think everyone should try.  Breast milk is no doubt the best thing for your baby.  That being said, if you're struggling to the point of teetering on depression, or you're baby is failing to thrive, seek help.  Talk to your pediatrician.  Call your hospital's help line.  Try the LLL.  If you just can't make it work for you, IT IS OK.  Again, (sticking with the theme here) it doesn't make you less of a mom.  Trust your instincts.  I think the stopping point is different for everyone, even baby to baby.  At 8 weeks I decided it was time to cut back in preparation for going back to work (list of reasons here but that will suffice) and in preparation for getting on a plane the next week.  We successfully cut down to just nursing at morning and night, and had absolutely no difficulty.  For me, the most content I have ever seen my child happened immediately after her first bottle with 1/2 formula.  It confirmed my decision that it was the right time.  Again, its different for everyone, but my biggest advice is don't let anyone pressure you when you feel you're doing what's best for your child.  You want to supplement in the hospital, fine.  You want to breastfeed your 4 year old on the subway?  Fine.  Lets just all stop judging and making moms feel guilt, we have plenty that comes from within.

Overall for us, the 6-8 week mark was magic.  That's when the personality really started coming out, when she started sleeping through the night, and when we finally had periods of wakefulness that didn't solely include crying. 

Some people do have a terribly easy time.  Some people have it even harder than I did.  My utmost respect goes out to those people who are doing it alone, live away from family, or have a child with special needs.  I do believe God's grace is sufficient, and that lots of prayer will absolutely get you through the roughness to the part where you begin to really enjoy the wonderful 180 your life has just done.  Upward and onward to the struggles that will begin as time goes on....daycare next week (someone put me on suicide watch), teething, potty training, and high school prom."

Thanks to my sister for keeping it real and helping me understand that it's not just me. Hopefully this makes some other people laugh and helps them to feel a little less alone during Vietnam as well.

Holy Crap We're Parents

Warning...This is the story of Sutton's birth. There might be some details that you never needed to have, but I wanted to keep it real. It's also super long, so you have been warned! Lots of my friends have asked about how everything went, and functioning on 2 hours of sleep makes responding to texts low on the priority totem pole. I also included some things I learned through this process, which will hopefully help someone else out!

For months (after having a front row seat to my sisters c-section) I begged my doctor to just let me go in for one. The whole thought of labor terrified me, plus I had no confidence I could actually birth a child. Side note- turns out I couldn't. Despite my whining and moaning she didn't budge, and the day after my due date, we went in for an induction.

These people have no idea what they're in for...but does anyone really?

Walking into the hospital that morning, I can only describe my emotions as a dorky 5 year old walking into kindergarten for the first time. You know there's no way you're getting out of going into this building, but every instinct is telling you to run home. I was terrified and cried a little. Let's keep in mind here that I am a classic over reactor and incredibly dramatic, so if you have not had a bambino don't let that scare you too much.

Around 7am I was hooked up to all kind of monitors and the party got started. They broke my water immediately and then told me scary news #1 for the day. Sutton decided to go ahead and poop before he came out, so there was meconium swimming around in there with him. We were informed we wouldn't hear him cry when he was born so they they could make sure to clear his airways. Cue emotional breakdown #2 for the day. No one wants to hear from the get go even the smallest thing is wrong.

 I made it until about 10am without asking for the good drugs, I was pretty proud of myself. They asked me a few times if I was ready, but I wanted to "feel labor" for some idiotic reason. To anyone who thinks they can do it without the drugs... more power to you. When my contractions were lasting a minute each and were only 2 minutes apart, let me just tell you that this labor business is no joke.

So I got the drugs. They asked me if a student could do my epidural. I refrained from cursing at the nurse that asked, which I considered a win. The lovely nurse who did the epidural missed the first time, so I got to experience that fun twice. Despite this discomfort, it was welcomed. I proceeded to watch a Pretty Little Liars marathon for the next several hours, because I am a 15 year old trapped in a 28 year old's body. After the epidural you can't feel anything, so it's pretty easy going.

Let me just say that our little meatball has been a bit on the lazy side from the get go. At 38 weeks I had an ultrasound he refused to wake up for, so they hooked me up to all kind of monitors and scared the crap out of me...just to tell me he was only sleepy. He continued onto his path of being dramatic like his mom throughout the day. As soon as I got the epidural, my blood pressure decided to hit the floor (which is common). They brought in the nice lady with the drugs, and she gave me something to help that, which made it go up too high. "Short people are just hard to regulate"... sorryyyyyy for that lady. Well during this process Sutton's heart rate decided to play a game of hopscotch. At one point it got so low the nurse called in my doctor and the doctor on call in the hospital. At this point I was hysterical, even my sister (the normally emotionless one) was crying. Just as my doctor, who literally sprinted from her office across the street, arrived they got him to wake up. At this point I had already had 3 emotional breakdowns and it was only 2pm. I started begging for them to just get him out where they could take care of him, and again... my lack of Md lead them to ignore me. Instead, they just gave me a sweet oxygen mask to wear...which did not include the laughing gas that I asked for.

Around 4:30 or 5, I really have no idea what time, my sister started pacing around the monitors looking all serious. This is never a good sign. The nurse came in and told me Sutton's heart rate had now gone way up and was staying up. I also decided to spike a fever which was fun. At this point, I was totally over it. I had been at 6 cm for 3 hours, so this little guy was refusing to play it cool. My doctor came in and set on my bed and told me she thought the c-section I asked for since 30 weeks was our best bet. (Told ya so). Now, you'd think I would've been happy. Nope, panic attack. Started again balling uncontrollably. (If you haven't caught onto a trend here, I don't handle stress and hormones well at all...I feel really bad for my nurse Sarah Beth, who was great). All of a sudden there were 10 people in my room all asking me questions and talking over one another and it totallyyyy freaked me out.  Here is Jacob after they wheeled me out...he missed the meltdown completely.

In the OR, I finally calmed down when the nurses started complimenting my toenail polish. I guess I just needed something to take my mind off of the fact that I was about to be ripped open. Now, they tell you you don't feel pain, just "tugging"...HA. If tugging means you're pretty sure someone is standing on the bed pulling your abdomen across the room, then sure. I made a huge mistake at this point by telling them I could feel pain on my left side (probably due to the whole 2 epidural thing). My lovely anesthesiologist right by my head wasn't about to let me feel anything, so she told me she was giving me something that "might make me sleepy". Understatement of the century. Luckily, I remember hearing Sutton cry (and I started crying again, only this time happy tears), and that is about it. Apparently I was pretty coherent here, but unfortunately I don't remember. 

As all of our family met our baby for the first time, I was unconscious (snoring according to my sister, thanks) in the corner. This absolutely broke my heart. I remember fighting the sleepiness and trying to look at him. I had my sister walk up and then back so I could try and focus on him opening 1 eye at a time, no luck. It would be about 2 hours until I could actually process the person I gave birth to. I would've much rather felt some pain than missed this, but we made up for lost time. I have the most beautiful little boy in the world, and no, it's not up for debate!

I hate that his birth story isn't a unicorns and butterflies story, but I wanted to share it because I was only prepared for some of the scariness based on stories my friends (or random pinterest blogs) told me. The 3 nights in the hospital weren't a breeze either, but I'll spare you those details. Here's some things I would highly recommend though if you are having a baby any time in the near or not so near future.

• Don't freak out. Take it from me, have someone with you that can calm you down and not over react and scare you even more. My husband is great, but I really needed my sister there. She just went through this process 10 weeks ago, and she is pretty much the most level headed person I know. Along with this, don't plan to have a room full of people when you're in labor, unless you think you can handle it. Things can get dramatic quickly, and if you have a ton of people it can scare them, which will scare you. I didn't let my sister or Jacob tell anyone what was going on until after, because I couldn't handle anyone else being as worried as I was.
• Over share time: Invest in these 2 gems, especially if you have a c-section. DO NOT attempt to put on in the hospital while your belly is still super tender. I made this mistake and it was terrible. The day after we got home I put them both on and wear them 24/7. It seriously helps with shrinking your tummy and helping you sit up, sit down, and pick up the baby with your incision. I think it would still be great for a vaginal delivery as well.
  
• Send your baby to the nursery. A lot of people disagree with this, but you cannot heal (and no matter the route you will be healing) if you aren't sleeping. The nurses will bring the baby back when they are hungry, but you need some rest! One of my nurses made it clear she didn't support this, and it was really hard for me to ask for them to take him. The first night I was so out of it they had to. The second night I felt bad asking so I literally did not sleep. AT ALL. The pediatrician came in around 7am and I was balling (seriously, notice a pattern). She told me to send him and not feel bad about it. 
• Bring a paci to the hospital. They will not give you one, and they will tell you not to use it for 2 weeks. However, when they are screaming at 3am and not hungry, you'll be glad you did. Again, if you really disagree... don't bring one. I just know I found it helpful, and I have several friends who were breast feeding that did as well.
• If you feel like your baby is extremely hungry, don't be upset if you need to supplement. My awesome pediatrician also recommended this. Our little boy was having plenty of diapers, but I knew from his screaming something was wrong. Turns out he lost more than 12% of his body weight in the hospital, which is more than normal. When I asked the nurse to give him a little formula to supplement, she literally argued with me and I had to push the issue, which is upsetting. We started supplementing at night and he gained back 10 oz in 4 days. Breast feeding is fantastic, but it doesn't make you a bad mom if its not going 100% according to plan and you need to change things up! I've had to end up only pumping and giving bottles and a little formula at night.
• Ask for help and stay on top of your pain medicine. My wonderful nurse Heather...shout out you were amazing, wrote on my dry erase board what time I could have each drug next. If she didn't come in I would always call. There were a couple of times when I missed a dose in the middle of the night because I was too tired to call...bigggg mistake. She also made me feel like I wasn't crazy when I cried and actually hugged me when I was having a breakdown. She was just so sweet and calm and it's exactly what I needed. Not all nurses are as great as Heather.

Basically, don't be scared to do what YOU think is best if your baby and yourself. You are also in the hospital as a patient, and you need to follow your instincts. It's like your wedding day, something is bound to go not according to plan, and you just have to roll with the punches, because at the end of the day you will have a perfect tiny human being who you will love more than anything. You will be overwhelmed and feel under prepared, but its crazy how naturally everything will come.