"The Very first moment I beheld him, my heart was irrevocably gone."
I saw this Jane Austen quote on a picture frame at my mom's house and did a little swoon. Then I really thought about it. Looking back, this is exactly how I feel. At the time, I don't know that it felt that way in those first few days! In fact, I'm probably sugar coating it for fear of judgement. I didn't feel like that at all. You can read the story of his birth on my previous blog post, which vastly contributed to taking some time to get to know this little dude.
Before you freak out, I am 112% obsessed with my son. He gives me more joy than I ever knew was possible. Everyone says you can't understand the amount of love you feel for your child until they are born, and it is absolutely true. However, it took me some time.
I wrote 3 different blog posts during the first 3 months of his life, only 1 of which I published (the others were named "Guacamole for Breakfast and an Identity Crisis" and "Holy Crap I'm a Parent" if you were curious). I look back on them from time to time to remember how far we've come. Those first few months were overwhelming to put it gently. I was terrified out of my mind. My entire family was 500 miles away and when our son was 2 weeks old, my husband had to go back on tour Monday-Friday (Sometimes home on Saturday and leaving again on Sunday). We had help come and go, but holy crap was I terrified. Some days I felt like I was barely keeping my head above water. Those weeks when I was totally on my own were dark. I won't go into details, but it was not something I'll look back and think that they were the happiest days of my life, not by a long shot. Those were the days that tested me to my limits. The great part about it was it really showed me what I was capable of. It showed me that I could handle much more than I ever thought possible. Looking back, I feel like I need to give myself some sort of medal for surviving that on my own. Props to single moms, holy cow you are Saints and Olympians rolled into one.
I knew in my heart I loved this little baby, but it was hard to see past the exhaustion and fear to fully grasp that love. Everyone promised "those first couple of months are hard but it gets better quickly," but its so hard to believe! I can remember one entire day (he was exactly 3 weeks old to the day) that he did not stop crying all day. All day. At one point I strapped him in his swing and went and sat in the shower and cried. I felt so ill equipped. I felt like a failure. I thought there was absolutely no way I was ever doing this again, and people with more than one child were insane.
I was listening to my favorite radio show the other day (shout out Bobby Bones) and they had a segment about the best day of their lives. Most gave answers about their weddings and children's births, and it got me thinking. If I was being honest, his birthday was not the best day of my life. It was terrifying, painful, emotional, and terrifying again. Then I felt like I huge piece of crap. I mean who says the birth of their child wasn't the best day of their life? Looking back, it absolutely is! The day he entered my life will always be the greatest because I can't imagine my life without him!
However, in the moment, was that the greatest day? If I'm being honest, no. So what was? Easily it was the day I first saw him smile (a real smile mind you, not gas in his sleep). I was sitting on the couch holding him across my body and I thought he was asleep. I randomly looked down and was just staring at me. He all of a sudden started grinning at me. That was the first day I felt like a mom, that was the greatest day of my life.
When we crossed that line from sleeping or crying (no in between) newborn to happy smiling loving baby everything changed. His smile is the greatest most infectious thing ever. That smile makes me want 10 more of him! (Note that is absolutely not going to happen, however I can at least fathom the thought of him not being an only child now).
We live in a world of peoples' "social media lives." No one posts pictures of the diarrhea all over the wall and in your hair. No one posts videos of their baby crying 13 hours a day. I'm just as guilty because we want to share the happy times, especially when friends and family are so far away!
Case in point... the stomach virus
I say all this to everyone who didn't stand over the crib and cry the night you came home from the hospital because you loved them so much. If you stood over the crib and cried because you didn't know what the hell you were doing and you felt anxious and overwhelmed and terrified, this is for you. It absolutely gets better.
So far 4 months is definitely my favorite stage. I'm writing this to myself who in 2 months will probably be going crazy because he is in to everything! He's definitely making up for those first few months that he refused to be put down and would scream for no reason for hours! He grins every time he sees me and will just sit and hang out with us. He lovesss when I kiss him and it already makes me sad for the day when I know he won't like it anymore!
Being his mom is the greatest adventure of my life, and the war zone that was the first few months was 100% worth it. It was worth every second! I once wondered if everyone was full of crap with the whole love at first sight thing, but I'll have to agree with you Jane...my heart is irrevocably gone!
